It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
