The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
