1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
