you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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