i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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