i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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