Kiss
Puke
I need help removing her.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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