Can Purell be used as lube?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
