I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
