I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
