if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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