I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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