I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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