i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
