I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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