Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
