The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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