So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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