I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
