I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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