Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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