I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
