she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
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