someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
