At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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