Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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