I think im going to throw up on grandma
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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