my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
