I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
