At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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