I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
