don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
