I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
