I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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