I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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