well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
