I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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