areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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