Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
