He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
