I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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