so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
