Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
