8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
