yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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