no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
