Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
