I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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