Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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