I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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