her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
